Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Brother?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.