The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.