My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
You Might Also Like
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My brain is a bad influence on me
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.