My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
what could possibly go wrong?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.