Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.