My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
dogs can find happiness so easily
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it