Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?