[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Alarms are for people without children or puppies