Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.