Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk