Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
White parent Vs Arab parents