Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.