Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.