Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
You Might Also Like
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Saturday
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.