Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.