Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Lmfaoooooo
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues