Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives