A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Jokes on them. I took 10.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!