I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
You Might Also Like
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never