A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.