Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Worth remembering.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
happy mother’s day❤️
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”