Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I have no passwords left in me
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*