[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”