Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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Fight
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?