The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You Might Also Like
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.