I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.