Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond