As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
it is time once again
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help