When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this