Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Always.
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Jurassic park gets weird
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape