Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs