*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.