Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute