me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead