Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
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Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Don’t forget to tip your server
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You had me at “define legal”.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot