[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
You Might Also Like
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Just a phase…
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.