[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.