Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m giving up for Lent.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.