This is my emotional support chloroform rag
You Might Also Like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Nothing to do, you say?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Never let them know your next move 😂
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.