It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower