Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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wtf is a larm clock?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag