The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.