[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Mouse
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’