Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“you recording!?”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
huge valentines day plans this year!!