“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Check your privilege
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
🤣✨#caturday