[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN