According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I wanna be friends with this person
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?