Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…