ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
it is time once again
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.