My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
You Might Also Like
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.